Identity+-+Back+Then

=Back Then = = =  //“Girls under 12! Your bags are on the right side of the office cabin. Go see your cabin instructor for further instructions!" the manager bawled out of the microphone. Do you remember? I was nine back then. I can still remember all the girls crowded around the office cabin. A herd of girls were swarming in and out of their wooden houses.

As I dodged all the people surrounding me to grab my bag, I could hear the squeals of the girls screaming, “Mom! Dad!” They looked so happy with their parents, and I too, was happy to head back home. The thought of you screaming out my name and holding out your arms to me made me cry with happiness.//

//“So how was camp young lady? You had fun? Oh, mom had a meeting so she wasn’t able to come… Anyways, you ready to come home little missy?” you exclaimed with a huge grin on your face.

“Camp was good, but I missed you too much,” I answered still grasping onto you. The word “home” was like music in my ears. When I held on to you, your body was as hard as steel. You put me down gently onto the rough soil. I remember you took my hand and we both walked to the car together under the morning sunrise. You also patted my head as if I was some delicate flower. I liked that a lot. All those memories are so clear.

How about the next year? Oh yea, remember when we went camping together in Yellowstone Park. We went fishing together, played board games together. Remember? We both ate roasted marshmallows together. You and I loved them with chocolate smothered on top. Camping was very entertaining, especially when you thought that log was an alligator. Or did you think it was a grizzly bear? I don’t remember; it’s been five years since I've thought of that day. Once you saw that log, I remember you pounced on me, trying to protect me. Your arms around me made my stomach tingle with delight. This had proven how much you cared for me.

We’ve had so many nights when you told me fairy tales, and even though I was a teenager I still enjoyed the sweetness in your voice as you told me about those princesses you’ve met. Ah, those memories so fresh in my mind. It was as if all of that just happened yesterday. Hey! Remember when you once took me to Rome? Mom was there too… But anyways, I remember it was my first overseas voyage. That was the best month of my life! You always took me on your shoulders. Scooping me up from the ground wasn’t so hard for you since you had such strong arms. YAAAAH. I’m getting pretty tired now. You don’t mind if I talked to you tomorrow do you? I thought so.”//

Jessica slowly got up from her window and was headed toward her bed. She turned around once more and said, “Good night pop. I miss you.” A tear was about to roll down her cheek but she was strong now, and never allowed tears to flow down her cheeks ever again. There was a knock on the door.

“You still not in bed? You have school tomorrow, come on.” Jessica’s mother stepped out from the shadows and hauled the bed sheets over Jessica’s frozen body. “You okay? You don’t look too good. You have a fever or something? You should close the window, it’s getting chilly outside.”

“No mom. I’m fine. I’m kind of tired right now so if you don’t mind, could you leave?”

“You were talking to your dad again weren’t you?”

Jessica looked out the window once more without answering. Every time she heard the word ‘dad’ it felt like someone dug a hole in her heart. Alice, Jessica’s mom waited for her to reply. “You know we’ve already talked about this honey. Your father left to do his duty, to fight for his country.”

“He promised he would come back…” Jessica mumbled, trying not to cry.

“Yes I know I know, but you know he’s watching you right now. The every move you make.” Alice brushed Jessica’s hair out of her face. Jessica did not cooperate with the comforting her mom was offering. She turned over to her other side and still glared out the window. Alice understood the body language, she stood up and walked gracefully to the door. She turned around and said, “Love you.”

“Yea whatever.” Jessica said with a harsh tone. Jessica didn’t normally talk to her mom like this. Actually, she never really did talk to her mom. After Alice had broken her father’s heart by moving out, Jessica had become very close to her dad. Jessica tip-toed to the window and opened it.

“Hey dad. You see mom? Yep, I’m now living in Houston on 24th street with my so called mom. Right before you left you brought me here, to this big white prison” Jessica stroked the side of the window carefully, she looked around the room. Everything was white. The walls, the bed, the window, the furniture; only the floor was peach marble. “You even told Alice to take good care of me.” Jessica stared out into the night blankly and sighed.

“Life’s hard without you dad. Mom's being a pain in the butt at the moment. She doesn’t like it when I talk to you. I think that she feels creeped out every time I do it. I know what you're thinking. That I should get along with my mom right? Well guess what? That’s never going to happen. Well, ‘little-miss-I-didn’t-do-anything’ says I have to go to bed. I’m just going with the flow dad, plus I’m tired anyway. No I’m not being a bad girl. Ahaha. I remember when we had the same conversation last fall. The day you dropped me off. Good night now dad, I need to get some sleep. I love you.”

“Jessica we need to talk,” a little voice came out from behind the door. The white door slowly squeaked open. Alice stepped out into the moonlight. Jessica shuffled in her bed uncomfortably.

“I thought I told you to go away.” Jessica snarled. Alice looked at her in a pleading way. Jessica didn’t care that she hurt her moms feelings, because her mom hurt her dad's feelings.

“This isn’t fair Jessica. I should have the chance to be your mom. Look, your dad’s dead; he’s gone forever. You need to accept that! It has been a year already and you’re still talking to him as if he were still here. Jessica, just accept it…” Alice begged. She stared right into Jessica’s eyes. But it didn’t feel like Jessica was looking at her.

“You’re talking to me as if I’m a freak! Dad will come back! He promised he would. My dad always keeps promises; anyways you will never get the chance to be my mom because I will never allow it.”

“You aren’t a freak Jessica.” Alice tried saying smoothly and calmly. “How about we go downtown tomorrow? Just you and me; I’m going to bring you somewhere special.”

Jessica looked confused. “Okay. Fine I’ll go with mom if that makes you happy dad.” Alice looked at her in confusion. “Good night Alice, I can’t wait to see where you bring me tomorrow.” Jessica exaggerated to her mom. Alice just rolled her eyes and stomped out of the room thinking about if the place she was going to bring Jessica was going to be a good idea.

The next morning Jessica made sure that Alice was in the kitchen when she ate breakfast. Jessica looked up at the ceiling and whispered, “Look at what Alice gives me for breakfast. A pancake and toast. Remember how you used to cook feasts for me? I hope you come home soon. I’m expecting you; don’t forget, you promised.” Alice walked into the dining room and found Jessica staring at the ceiling.

“Jessica? What are you doing? Why are you staring at the ceiling?” Alice exclaimed, and then she murmured, “Please don’t tell me you’re talking to your dad again.”

Jessica snapped her head back straight and answered, “Umm. Your ceiling is too dull. I think that you should paint it, and I also think that the people who painted your ceiling were not professionals.” Alice looked up, and one eyebrow melted down.

“Okay… So are you ready? You might want to bring some flowers for someone.”

“Alice, please tell me that you’re not bringing me to see your old friends again!”

“No Jessica I’m not, and to add, my friends are not as old as you think they are. They are very sweet and nice to me.”

“Yeah. But they stink.” Jessica whispered quietly hoping Alice didn’t hear. Alice just grabbed her coat, shrugged and walked outside.

“Take your coat, it’s cold outside, and it looks like it’s about to snow.”

“Okay, chief!” Jessica mumbled.

“Jessica Crowder!” Alice gasped. They both climbed into the white mini cooper that was in their garage. Alice drove through the snowy roads keeping her eyes on the road. Jessica was staring at her fingers, fiddling with them. Crossing one finger over the other. The car went to a sudden stop and Jessica looked up. There was nothing but a long grey wall on the side. “This is the part when you go out of the car and discover the place I have brought you.” Alice said, it sounded as if someone stabbed her. Her eyes twitched a little as Jessica stepped out of the car.

When Jessica realized where she was, she stopped at the large rusty gates. Her heart stopped beating, Jessica was not breathing. Flashbacks started playing in her mind in chunks. She took one step hesitantly. Jessica started taking another and another, she kept on staggering in the snow. Long pieces of rocks passed by with names and dates on them.

Suddenly Jessica fell onto her knees in front of a tomb. It wrote Stanley Crowder, 1935-1972. Jessica felt like there was a hole in her and she was gasping for air. She held her stomach as tears slowly rolled down her cheek. A sudden flashback came this time in one piece, she was dressed in black, she was fourteen then. Jessica was watching the men slowly lower the coffin into the dark dirty soil. Tears were gushing out of her eyes as she remembered this. Back to the flashback, Jessica wasn’t even listening to the priest as he read, she just looked down all the time.

When everyone left. Jessica was the only one standing there by herself. She suddenly couldn’t control herself, as she tried to walk away slowly, she was stumbling and it ended up as running. Jessica was running, out of the graveyard onto the street, eventually the rain started pouring, Jessica didn’t stop until she saw two lights in the dark night in the distance. When she had realized it was a car, she still stood there but this time her eyes were closed and her arms were wide open. Unluckily for her it was Alice who was worried and came to pick her up.

The flashback ended in a slow fade. Jessica hasn’t thought of that night in, forever. She got up and understood, now, what Alice wanted, what the future was waiting for her to do. For all of that one year, Jessica was waiting for her dad to come back, her dad who was in that grave, to come back! She slowly stood up and wiped her tears of with the sleeve of her jacket, but more kept on coming. This time it was tears of joy that came. She was proud, that her dad had become a hero. That he was in heaven happily waiting for her once she gets too old. Jessica now knew, that a new life was waiting right in front of her.